The Death of Grief

Is it just me or is grieving no longer the “done thing” anymore? People today seem to move on so much quicker than they used to. When I was young even the family goldfish would get a proper send off! But these days’ people move on at record speed without even attempting to grieve. Is it because in an ever busier world we no longer have time to grieve properly or is it just no longer seen as “cool” or necessary to grieve?                                                                                                                               

Whilst I know it isn’t at all helpful to wallow in melancholy and a sea of depression and self-pity, I do feel that it is important, beneficial and even necessary to grieve for a time. How long this time is up to you. Grieving gives you a chance to come to terms with what has happened. To think about and in some way understand your loss. Appreciate and even celebrate what it was that you once had and think about all of the good and the bad times. It’s a chance to put to rest any negative thoughts and feelings and choose what memories to keep and which ones you need to say goodbye too. What worries me is that by choosing not to grieve and simply to move on surely we are just prolonging the eventual affects that this loss will eventually bring. There is only so long you can ignore the physiological affects of a loss, however big or small.                                                                               

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross created the five stages of grief theory: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Personally I don’t feel there is a right or wrong way to grieve, we are all completely different and we will all grieve in a different way. Whilst we may not need to use all five stages of grief, I do feel we need to experience some. Surely people of today aren’t just going straight to acceptance?                                                          Recently I have witnessed three different types of losses happen to friends of mine. These were the loss of a beloved family dog, the demise of a twenty seven year marriage and the death of a husband. With all three of these losses there was no adequate grieving in my opinion.                                                                                      

One day without warning a family’s fifteen-year-old dog died suddenly, there was no warning, one day he was fine, the next he was gone. The family took the dog to the vets to be cremated and then off they went the very same day to buy a new dog. Nothing wrong with that you might say, maybe that’s just how they coped with such a loss. But surely a beloved and adored dog that had been in the family for fifteen years deserved a bit more respect did he not? This wasn’t just a dog; this was a member of the family, so why would you just go out and replace him? What was wrong with saying a proper goodbye, taking his ashes home and scattering them as a family? Reminisce as a family about all the happy memories you have of him. Not only is this a way of showing respect it is also cathartic and a great way to bring the family together. Then when a little time has passed you can get a new dog and not a replacement dog!                                                                                                                            

The end of any relationship is never easy, especially when there are children involved, no matter what age they are. But it’s even more tragic when it’s a relationship that you thought would last forever. A friend of mine recently separated from her husband and father of her two children after 27-years of happy marriage. After less than two weeks after they had decided to separate the husband he met and moved in with another woman and wanted his children to get to know her! I was outraged, but the family just seemed to go with it. How can anyone move on so quickly? Love doesn’t just disappear; you can’t go from loving one person to another can you? Well I couldn’t anyway. The children had barely had chance to process what was happening before their father had moved out of their home into a new woman’s house. Where is the love and respect for his wife and children? How can he truly know how he feels for this new woman if he hasn’t even stopped to think about how he feels about the end of his marriage? What affect will this have on his children? To them their whole world has just crumbled around them and their father is expecting them to “just get on with it.” This isn’t right at all; they all deserve some respect and a chance to grieve for what they have lost. In life timing is everything, and in this situation the timing was completely wrong.                                                                                                              

An elderly neighbour of mine had recently lost her husband to a short illness. They knew he was dying, but didn’t know it would happen so quickly. When her husband was told his condition was terminal he told his wife he didn’t want a funeral. He simply wanted to be cremated and for everyone to carry on as normal. So when the time came, she followed his wishes and went shopping whilst her husband was cremated. “It’s so much cheaper this way and no stress of arranging a funeral” she told me. She was so casual about it, even her sons didn’t bother to come and visit her! “No need” she said to them. I was shocked at this whole situation, granted it was the dying mans wishes to not have a funeral, but was he just saying that because he didn’t want to be a burden? Didn’t he realise he was robbing his family of a chance to say a final, proper, respectful goodbye? I’m not saying his widow should become a recluse, a shadow of her former self who only wears black and can’t stop crying. Of course she should live her life and be happy, for who knows how long any of us have on this planet. But surely by avoiding the grieving process and seemingly moving straight to acceptance we are causing ourselves more pain in the long run, perhaps even just prolonging something incredibly damaging to our mental health and wellbeing? For something as great as a loss is bound to have some terrible repercussions eventually, isn’t it?                                                             

Why do we no longer grieve? Is it that we are grieving just in a different and much quicker way? Or has Social Media had a negative effect on us? As soon as something happens, good or bad, people go straight to Facebook to tell the whole world about it. Nothing is sacred or private anymore. Where is the love and respect? Why can’t we grieve in private with our friends and loved ones anymore? Are we completely incapable now?

They say time is a great healer, so why not wait to move on. 

By Robert Stratton