It Be's That Way Sometime

It Be’s That Way Sometime

A voice thick as honey and as passionate as the bee who made it pours out of the radio and into the room. It floods in and drowns me in a sea of memories.  I know this song. I know it well.                      

My 13-year-old tabby cat Nene, lays in the kitchen window sill soaking up the summer sun. She looks at me with her deep marble green eyes. She stares deep into my eyes and I get a strong feeling that she feels my pain. She feels empathy for me that can only be felt when two people share a certain bond. It may sound absurd to have a bond with a cat. But I and Nene have been family for thirteen years. And she has helped me more then she could ever know.                                                                    

I tried to use this song as my personal aide to help me when I was down. Even at 73-years-of age it still helps to lift my spirits and carry me forward.                                                                                                          

I’ve always found great comfort in the saying that “God doesn’t close a door without opening a window.” Although sometimes that window is tightly shut and may take a little longer to open then you’d have liked and even then that window may be a little smaller then you had hoped.                                                              

But when that window opens you must savour it. Embrace it. Because open windows allow you a chance to breathe and just be. For who knows, one day your windows may be bricked up with no sunshine in sight.                                                                                                                                                      

I don’t mean to sound morose, but it is just the way I have become. There came a time in my life when I realised that the things I so desperately wanted were no longer obtainable to me. I had missed my chance. Pearls of wisdom, such as “Everything happens for a reason” and “Don’t look back with regrets” no longer reassured and consoled me. But for a short while this song does.                                            

We grow up so carefree with the belief that you can be anything you want to be. Your happy ending is on the horizon. Dreams do come true. There are no limitations. But really what this all means is ignorance really is bliss.                                                                                                                                         

When this veil of ignorance is pulled away and the harsh reality of life is revealed it can be one of the biggest culture shocks you will ever experience. You pick yourself up and walk down the path of life until you trip and fall. Sometimes that fall can be great. We’re told that we should learn from these ‘falls’, they should make us stronger and give us more determination and a greater satisfaction when we finally succeed.                                                                                                                                              

I’ve had many trips, stumbles and falls in my life. Some not just metaphorically. The biggest and most profound fall for me was a Nervous Breakdown. One of the biggest drops I have ever experienced. Far more challenging though was the climb back up to the top.                                               

I did get back up to the top though. But I couldn’t always keep my balance and many more challenges came along and pushed me clean off.                                                                                                   

You may laugh at what I am about to tell you. For even I find this very strange and sad. I am a 73-year-old gay man who has never been kissed or loved in a romantic way. I have been in love only once and it was unrequited but lack of confidence consumed me and made it difficult for me to even get close to a man. My first and only love was at the age of twenty with a man called Stephan. He was 5foot 10 to my 5foot 9, dark brown hair and the darkest brown eyes. He was perfect to me, at first.  I couldn’t understand how someone as handsome as him could be interested in someone like me. But it was only a matter of time before I realised that Stephen wasn’t interested in me for a relationship. On our second ‘date’, a term I use loosely as all we ever did was watch films in his bedroom Stephan began to pressure me to take our ‘relationship’ further but something inside me wouldn’t let me. Fear? Low self-esteem? Trust issues? Him? I don’t know. All I know is I couldn’t. It was like when approached with Stephan’s advances my body turned to concrete. I wanted to run away and hide, yet I could not move.                                                                                                                                                                   

It goes without saying that he grew tiresome of waiting and informed me that he no longer wanted to see me anymore. I believe his exact words were “I think you’re too innocent for me.” I didn’t ask for any further details of why he came to this decision. I simply just left without a word and when I was safely in my car I allowed my heart to shatter into pieces and the tears to flow. My first and only love.                                                                                                                                                                                      

I assumed Stephan would never settle down and be happy. Partly because of his over sexual personality and immaturity and partly because I hoped karma would be on my side. However I was wrong. He well and truly landed on his feet, with his dream job and life partner to boot. I didn’t need to know the particulars of their happy life together. Just knowing he had everything I had ever wanted was enough to destroy the heart and soul of mine that had never fully healed.                                                                      

Looking back now I see things clearer. I realise that he never asked me anything about myself. He had no interest in me. He never held my hand or took me out in public. I never met his friends or housemates. I don’t think he ever looked into my olive green eyes, I don’t think he even knew they were green. So maybe I wasn’t to blame. Maybe it was his problem, his issue. But like they say, “You never forget your first love.” Or only love in my case.                                                                                                                                              

You may wonder why I’m so melancholic, why I didn’t chase my dreams. Well I do have reasons, please don’t call them excuses. Hmm maybe they are excuses? But I’m too old to do anything about it now.                                                                                                                                                                          

It was crippling depression and anxiety, zero confidence, low self-esteem, panic attacks and fear that meant venturing out into the big wide world was not an option to me. The world may have been your oyster to some, but for me it was too terrifying.  At the age of twenty-three I took a retail job in an ‘upmarket’ clothing department store and lied to myself for forty-three years. I told myself “My hard work for my fashion degree isn’t wasted. How could it be? I’m working with clothes for goodness sakes.” So I kept my head down and worked my way up to management until I retired. No fuss was made of me when I left. Nothing to show for a lifetime of hard work.                                                                                                     

I had family and friends who I loved dearly, but they had their own lives to live. One by one I watched them disappear. I joined in their celebrations of achievement. I sat through the weddings with a smile on my face and tried to push the panic and jealousy down. Because I was happy for them, I just didn’t want to be left behind. Next came babies or once in a lifetime opportunities that saw them run in different circles or move away.                                                                                                 

When the time comes to say goodbye you’re devastated but cannot show it. “This isn’t about you!” I would say to myself. They would tell you how much they were going to miss you and that we would all get together before you know. You smile and agree, whilst inside knowing that probably wasn’t all together true. And off they go.                                                                                                                           

 I’ve seen many loved ones come and go over the years. Yes I’ve missed them dearly, but I’m truly pleased for them. I want them to enjoy their lives and be happy and content. But at the same time I’m petrified of being forgotten. Lonely old cat owners may have been comical when young, but not so much when you actually turn into one.                                                                                                               

But I do have so much to be grateful for, which is a fact. Nevertheless it is all too easy to get weighed down by life’s problems, making it hard to see and appreciate the good things in life.                                 

So although it is not a beneficial idea to dwell on the bad things in life, it is good and therapeutic to just stop for a minute and appreciate your life. The good and the bad, for it is all of this that makes up a whole life.                                                                                                                                                       

Granted I may not have lived the life I had hoped, but I was lucky enough to have lived a life where opportunities were available to me. I was also very loved and healthy and fortunate. What more can any one person ask for?                                                                                                                                            

And when you look at it that way does it really matter that I always felt unattractive? And does it really matter that I never found true love? And does it matter that the only company I now have is a cat? Well actually some of those things do matter and I’m starting to feel depressed again.

So I turn the radio up loud and sing along, for Nina Simone is right. In life It be’s that way, be’s that way sometime.